How Do I Find a Spiritual Director or Spiritual Companion?

Finding a spiritual companion is a personal and often profound decision. If you’re reading this post, you may already be asking the question of whether you need one.

I first sought out a spiritual companion when I was living in Colorado. It was 2010, our children were young, and the work schedule at the church where I was serving was demanding. I was seeking a way to take better care of myself and find a better work-life balance.

I’ve benefited so much from having a spiritual companion I meet with monthly to talk about my spiritual life, in 2019 I finally began a graduate certificate program in it at a local university so I could serve others as a spiritual companion.

Here are some steps for how to find a spiritual director or spiritual companion. (These terms are used interchangeably, with “spiritual director” used most often. I prefer “companion” because I see my job as accompanying another on their journey, listening to them and asking questions that help them to follow where God or the Sacred is moving in their lives. I don’t direct so much as help people seek direction from the divine.)

Before You Begin Your Search

Searching for a spiritual companion is a form of discernment. Before you start looking online or asking trusted friends for recommendations, it helps to start by reflecting on some questions to guide you as you search for and interview spiritual companions.

Why Do I Want a Spiritual Companion?

Like me, you might be facing some challenges in your life and seeking to make changes that improve things. A friend or family member might be telling you about their spiritual companion and how much of a difference it’s made in their lives. A spiritual leader you trust might have recommended working with a spiritual companion.

Sometimes people seek a spiritual companion for no specific reason they can identify: “I just know I’m supposed to be here, talking to you.”

What Are My Preferences or Needs?

Do you need someone who understands your particular religious background or spiritual orientation? Or are you Spiritual But Not Religious and need someone who gets you and won’t assume you believe in God, or make assumptions about your journey?

Do you have a gender preference in a spiritual companion? Would you be more comfortable with someone who identifies as male? Female? Transgender? Gender-fluid? Does it matter to you if the companion is LGBTQ+ affirming?

What are Some Trusted Ways to Search for a Spiritual Director?

Search Online:
You can find helpful online directories of spiritual directors and spiritual companions through organizations such as SDI, ESDA, and Order of the Common Life. Some are specifically religious. Others, like SDI, are designed to offer guidance for multi-faith as well as unaffiliated persons in search of a spiritual companion. I’m a member of SDI (Spiritual Directors International), currently the largest and broadest organization for directors/companions.

Seek Recommendations from Others:
Talk to friends or family members, or people in your community who are working with a spiritual companion and see how they located them. If you’re a member of a church or religious community, ask your clergy person or other leader for referrals. If you are in therapy, your therapist or counselor might have recommendations. Many spiritual companion websites have testimonials of clients who may be of help narrowing your search to who to interview.

Meeting with and Interviewing Prospective Spiritual Companions

So you’ve generated a list of prospects and narrowed it to those who look like they might be a good fit for your needs. I recommend contacting them and seeing if you can schedule an initial interview. Often these exploratory conversations are free of charge, but even if a companion does charge, it’s money well-spent if you find an excellent fit or rule out someone who’s not right for you.

Interviews can be in-person or virtual. Since the pandemic, it’s amazing how much we’ve discovered you can tell in a video interview. But maybe you want to interview those in your area in person in order pick up on the intangibles: the meeting space; how it feels in their presence; the books on their shelves or the objects in the room. If you find someone out of your area and feel a strong pull to meet with them virtually, by all means, pursue it.

Prepare a set of questions to ask in the interview, based on your preparations for the search. Questions such as these are available on organization websites like Spiritual Directors International.

What spiritual formation and training do you have in spiritual direction or spiritual companionship?
What is your personal experience tending your own prayer, meditation, and contemplative life?
What is your experience as a spiritual director or spiritual companion? How many years? In what environments?
What are you most interested in spiritually?
How do you continue your education and supervision for your spiritual direction or spiritual companionship work?

Also be sure to ask if they can show you their ethical guidelines, an engagement agreement that clarifies roles and responsibilities in the spiritual companion relationship. Mine is available on my website’s FAQ section.

During and after the interview, notice how easy or difficult conversation is, whether their approach aligns with your objectives, whether you can open up and share, and take risks to grow. Who did more talking? What kinds of questions did they ask you? Trust your intuition as much as your research.

Review your interview process. Remember how each one felt, as well as what their website or brochure told you. When you schedule your first appointment, confirm any details you didn’t discuss in the interview, such as those covered by an engagement agreement. Some companions have these agreements, others are more informal.

And commit to attending at least a few sessions with them to establish a working relationship. Be open, honest, and willing to engage in the relationship. Coming to know and be known by another whose only agenda is your spiritual life is one of the greatest gifts of finding a spiritual companion.

If you’d like to talk more, contact me here or call me at 612-470-2688 today.