One of a spiritual life’s most important gifts

Discernment has been one of the most important gifts I’ve ever received in my own spiritual life. For years, I made decisions based on circumstance, pressure, people-pleasing, obligation to others. I went with my gut without adequately researching the pros and cons of my options.

But when I started seeing a spiritual companion myself in 2010 while living in Colorado, I began to learn the art of discernment by having someone who listened deeply to me, and more than that, helped me learn to listen to my own life and what it was telling me.

What is discernment?

Discernment is a holistic way of deciding between two good options, using both inner and outer criteria in a balanced way.

As we grow up, many of us have decision making modeled for us by the adults in our life. Some of them have a habit of letting life happen to them and “going along to get along,” some making life choices based on goals and identities others have forced upon them.

Still other adults make decisions based only on personal gain and what will get them ahead. Still others make decisions based mostly on fear, avoiding what they don’t want, but not really identifying their heart’s desire or a sense of purpose.

A lot of people seek spiritual companioning with me because they’re looking for a deeper, more meaningful life. Sometimes this is because a major shift is happening in their lives and they need to find a way through it to the next chapter. This may be the birth of a child, a new marriage, retirement, a loss such as a divorce, death, or forced career change.

Other times, they’re just conscious of a longing for something more, period.

What does discernment look like in practice?

Discernment is a process of asking questions that help you explore options.

Say you’ve been thinking of a career change and have been searching for the kind of jobs that might be a good fit for you. You’re not miserable in your current position, but you long for work that’s a better fit for newly-acquired skills, maybe something that’s more aligned with your values.

You’ve applied for positions, gone to interviews, and have interviewed a second time for position that looks exciting to you, a great match, and the organization does work you believe in deeply. But taking this new position would mean a pay cut. Do you stick with your current position, or choose this new one?

Discernment begins with us being free and available to consider each option on its own merits, without  bias toward one or the other. Talking with a spiritual companion or trusted friend or colleague can help you identify your biases, maybe even help you to let go of them so you’re entirely free, or can correct for them.

Discernment involves listing out the pros and cons of the new position and your current one. You try and identify everything you can about each option that’s in its favor, and everything that’s not—even those things others may say you have to put up with. This may involve researching an organization and what others say about its values or what it’s like to work there, learning about workplace turnover, new leadership, and benefits packages, for example.

Developing these lists is a way of clarifying what’s important to you in a specific job situation, not just what you imagine it’s like in the abstract. There are likely to be drawbacks if you’ve made good lists, but then you can weigh them against the pros and see if you could live with the cons.

Another part of discernment is to ask, “When I imagine myself in the new position, how does it make me feel? Do I feel joy, contentment, peace? Or do I feel dread, like something’s off, or a lack of excitement?”

You might ask yourself, “If I were advising my best friend which of the two options to choose, what would I say to them?”

Signs You May Need Discernment

Some choices in life demand more than a simple decision and action. Big decisions require us to get clear about what matters most to us, and even our purpose on this earth. Lack of clarity or confusion in decision-making can be an early sign that you need to step back, slow down, and spend some time identifying the things that are most important to you, in the short term and the long term.

Maybe you’re had difficulty in the past distinguishing truth from false motives, not just in others but especially in yourself. False or deceptive motives within us often deceive us because they appeal to good intentions we have, when upon further examination they prove to be more a product of our ego than our helpfulness.

One way to become more and more aware of what your life is telling you is to pay attention to how you feel inside when you’re engaged in various activities, alone or with people, working with your hands or your mind. At the end of the day, you might briefly write down the moment that day when you felt the most joy, the most alive, what you were doing and who you were with when you felt that. And ask yourself what moment was its opposite—that sucked the life out of you or gave you NO joy.

After a month of doing this, look back over what you’ve written down, and notice any patterns that emerge. If you “let your life speak,” as Quaker educator and author Parker Palmer puts it, you can often receive some of the best guidance in your life’s path. And then bringing these insights to a conversation partner you trust can deepen the insight.

Benefits of Developing  a Habit of Discernment

Over time, this kind of practice—of slowing down, noticing, and reflecting on your life and what it’s telling you—can birth in you a greater sense of clarity and purpose.

Ongoing discernment can correct habits of decision and action we’ve developed and lead to improved decision making abilities, not just for the big things, but every day, even on the fly. Every experience can become an occasion for you to develop greater self-awareness and grow from even the negative events that happen.

Feel free to contact me to talk more about how you might integrate discernment into your everyday life.